Robert's Rants
Robert's Rants
A personal blog on the Canadian pesticide industry and other pet peeves and interests

Health Canada Bans Water! Maple Syrup next in line.

You heard it hear first.

Just look in the Canada Gazette,  Volume 190878, Chapter 113300, page 17587, July something, 2016.

In a move to save Canadians from their own stupidity, Health Canada has banned water.  This in response to a drastic increase of accidents, dismemberment and deaths directly associated with the misuse and abuse of water.  Or indirectly from a lack of understanding of the pitfalls and danger water poses in all it’s various sinister forms.

The ban includes anything and everything that contains the molecule H2O.

“Natural ingredients like water pose a significant risk to Canadians and we must put a stop to this madness!!!!”   Health Minister Jojo Earthmother Greenismean said in a July 22 statement.

After extensive research and millions of un-needed, unused tax dollars (just lying around in Ottawa), the following forms have been set for phase-out:


“The reports were alarming!”, screamed the Minister.  “People drowning, just swimming in lakes, driving their snowmobiles.  Driving boats too fast while drinking vast quantities of water mixed with yeast and hops.  Heart attacks by the score shoveling water in it’s solid state!  Do you know how many ice fisherman fell in their own friggin’ hole?!?”

“And the number of emergency room visits due to burns from steam kettles!  My god people, quit making tea or I’ll ban that next!”

When asked about the use of frozen water in Canada’s major pastime (and key economic indicator), the grand sport of hockey, the Minister responded;

“Let them play in the streets for all I care!”