Robert's Rants
Robert's Rants
A personal blog on the Canadian pesticide industry and other pet peeves and interests

True Detective #132

So the police respond to an odor complaint, Apartment 3G in the THC apartment complex off Bloor.

Upon arrival, they immediately know the problem, a corpse must be behind the cause, and behind the door to Apartment 3G.

Luckily enough they were being accompanied by that famous Canadian detective, JB “Gord” Fletcher (no relationship).

And sure enough, after kicking in the door there lies the corpse of a man sitting in his easy chair, the TV on to the latest CSINCISLAWSVU episode.

Dead as a door nail.

Mysterious circumstances, or just a plain old boring natural death?

So brilliant JB sums up the situation:

“400 pound man, mid-fifties.  Ashtray full of Camel butts, but he smoked alone.  Last meal was a party pizza, extra cheese, topped up with a 48 ounce slushy and a bag of cheetahs.  Face has that orange color you see in cheetah addicts. Beer cans everywhere, Coors Lite thank god.  Surgical tube pulled tight on one arm, but no needle.  Bottle of nitro, but not enough for a terrorist attack.  Bad heart?”

“What do think the cause of death to be?”  queries JB to his escorts.

Young rookie (are there ever old rookies?) surmises;

“This one’s too obvious.  Obese, addicted, alcoholic smoker with a bad ticker choked on a cheetah while going through withdrawal”.

“I second that” chimed in the old pro.

“Aha and au contraire” cried JB.   “On the surface it may look like an easy call but, you missed a few fine points.  If you look closely at the pizza box you’ll see the 3rd leg of a cockroach, obviously an Oriental nymph.  My guess 2nd instar.

“Secondly, what appears to be injection sites on his arms are actually bed bug bites.”

“Thirdly, if you look at your white socks you’ll see they are now covered in fleas.”

“And lastly, sitting on his windowsill is a can of BuGBuster Blaster”.

“So it’s pretty obvious…

Gotta be the pesticide!”